40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Friday night party time 🥳
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?