just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
when dads have a rap battle
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.