my name is luke but my friends dont call me
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
The news is so predictable nowadays
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
c’mon!
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922