Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?