My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”