Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
You Might Also Like
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
eggs benadryl
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*