Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
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*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
choose your gary
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Isn’t
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Very problematic
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*