Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
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Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?