I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes