Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁