[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
me adding lol on a serious message
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.