Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
just left a huge legacy in there
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Dyslexics are teople poo!
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.