Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
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Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread