Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
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Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.