Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
You Might Also Like
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭