You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
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People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
best first i’ve ever seen
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies