Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
You Might Also Like
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.