*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
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[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
🤣😂
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE