Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Is your wife single?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.