Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
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Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list