I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
no such thing as a dumb question
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet