Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
WTF IS THAT!
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m being attacked 😭
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I’m already scared
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled