5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me My dog
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
anyone else like Italian cereal
When you kidnap a writer.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues