ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.