Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
courtroom exchange of the day
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume