I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
When news reporters do sports stories
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
bury ourselves
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids