Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
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the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want