Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower: