Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
looks legit
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows