January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
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This headline is a thing of beauty
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.