Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay