Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
More like Kate Missington.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.