Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.