you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
i dont have time for this
…żyje?
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
That lamp looks PISSED.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.