Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
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BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
This might be the funniest tweet ever
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god