ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Good advice.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem