I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…