When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
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I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…