I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Print is alive and well!!!
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake