“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*