I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
You Might Also Like
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
They got a point!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
What if the weather talks about us?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!