Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
You Might Also Like
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!