[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
You Might Also Like
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise