Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.