Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
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Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.