Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
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“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.