ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle