When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
You Might Also Like
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.