If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Europe. Made in Germany.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.