You Might Also Like
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.