People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do